William Oseghare — Writings

F R A M E

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 00:00:00 GMT

She was a broken piece of art

I wanted to be her frame

Pain made her beautiful

I'm sure she didn't intend to be this way

Nevertheless, I saw beauty in the way she embodied pain

The subtlest parts of her

made her stand out

She was often unapologetic about her strikingness

The way she was

The way she viewed things

The way she looked at what she wanted

and what she didn't

It was deeper than confidence

it was a sort of acceptance, of who she was

a core even her deepest insecurities could not penetrate

She always looked at me in a peculiar way

even though I wasn’t sure she was particularly trying to

It was the kind of look that didn't give anything away

Not because she didn't want to

But because there was nothing to give

Everything she had to say was in her eyes

I often felt her eyes saw what others did not see

Often not knowing what to say

I would freeze up

I resisted being seen

She made me question a lot of things

She made me question what I considered to be myself

I’m sure she didn’t intend to

In fact, when it came to me, I don’t think she ever had any intentions

I only felt her gaze

a gaze too deep for intentions to convey

I could never make sense of them

They were beneath the surface of sense making

And sense making, was all I had

I would get stuck often,

trying to decode it

trying to decode her

“are you real?”

Her gaze would often ask

There were no intentions behind the questions

They were strong enough to stand for themselves

They reflected parts of myself I always pretended wasn't there

they illuminated the gaps

I’m sure she didn’t intend to

In her eyes,

I was probably just another guy

After all,

art never sees its audience

even if it sees through them

All this depth

Tue, 18 Jul 2023 00:00:00 GMT

All this depth
from wondering why

why my emptiness
fill me
with desires
that empty me out

why
i say
all is meaningless
and yet
give that meaning

All this depth
I never seem to get
what I want
Never seem
to want what I get

All this depth, i stare
into the mirror of self-awareness
self-analyzation, self-actualization
the violence
never seems
to make the pain go away

Yeah

there i am, instead

Lost
in an endless shimmering sea
Of paradoxes and incandescent lights
Filled with empty promises
of a future
that awaits me

Wanna be somebody?

Yeah…

All this depth
from wondering why

why i can never find
the space within
to reside
why i keep drifting out
to sea
reaching out
for power, lines
and man-made signs

swimming in circles
making ripples
that remind me
a wave on ocean
is all i will ever be

often wondered why…

Why God,
does the movie start
in a dream?

why does it end
with me
refusing to get out of bed

my emotions rise and fall

Why God,
are we still here?

wondering why…
All this depth
yet, my eagerness to impress
seems to be
what gets the best
out of me

All this depth
yet the ones closest
to me
the words,
never seem
to reach

Acquaintance

Mon, 17 Jul 2023 00:00:00 GMT

At the peak of our love
there was no one left to capture it

the world had sunk in memories
my heart had started to float

it was my first time
meeting someone i had always known

it was my first time
swimming in an ocean that felt like home

i wondered how effortless it all was...

the girl from my dreams
had woken up

the innocence of her beauty

she was overflowing
full of promise,
brokenness,
and pain

my memory typewrites
emotions from that night
our hearts sitting next to each other
teasing at boundaries we weren't ready to cross

i often wondered
what it was

did she care for me?
did she feel the same?
did it matter?
we weren't even there

still, i often wondered
what it meant

a beautiful painting
cast on shifting clouds
how was i to accept
a moment forever lost
in a landscape beyond time

oh the vital signs...

of reaching,
for something beyond ourselves
reaching, reaching, reaching,
for something beyond acquaintance

My Lover's name

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 00:00:00 GMT

I woke up and forgot my lover’s name
But that’s ok
Ours is a quiet kind of love
One that's meant to be forgotten
like the undying fate of everything that’s ever lived

Sometimes i want to tell everyone about her
I want to say to the world
THIS is the woman i love
This is my heart
I want to show everyone
the intricacies and the depth of my love
the deepest reflections of me in the woman i love

Maybe if they understood just how much i loved her,
they would finally love me
Maybe if they got a glimpse
of just how beautifully she reflects in my eyes
Maybe they would finally see me
I’m sure we’ll be united in love
I’m sure they’ll fall just as deeply as i have
But then, maybe not

Maybe they just wouldn’t get it
But then maybe
Will i start to doubt my love?
The purity of it
The sincerity, of my own reflection

If I can’t tell anyone about my love,
Will i still love her?
If no one gets it,
Will you still love me?
Somedays, I’m sure i do
Other days, i wake up and forget my lover’s name

Unrequited

Sun, 21 May 2023 00:00:00 GMT

Here i am, again
writing another sad poem
hoping the pain seeps away
in the emotions that create the words
Hoping in its expression
it loses some of its power
over me
knowing fully well
that hope has never been on my side
Yet the feelings cannot be denied

i sit here in front of this fireplace
Reckoning the issue at hand
the idea of loving someone who is Free
free not to love one back
free to fall out of love
free to take one to heaven in the morning
and drop one off in hell before noon

the idea of loving someone
bound to follow their true feelings
as they change with time

the idea of loving someone
while getting nothing in return

I always said
a love that requires choosing is no love at all
now that I’ve lost my freedom to love
these words have come back to haunt me
i didn’t choose to fall in love with you
yet i did
Hopelessly
Beyond all rationality
how do you feel so close to someone
who feels so far away...

Life could be a dream

Wed, 10 May 2023 00:00:00 GMT

We may have never been in love
but every time you cut me off
I go through withdrawal

life could've been a dream
(visions of what we could've become)
life could've been a dream
(the unimaginable depths we could've gone)

i get lost, in those eyes of yours
carrying in it, all it has ever seen
the innocence of its light
the depth of its darkness
the glimmer of care
in its hurt and pride
those divine eyes
engulfing me
in its tenderness and despair

life could've been a dream
(now sun's coming up)
life could've been a dream
(about to wake up)
life couldn't be a dream
I guess time's up

Time

Thu, 20 Apr 2023 00:00:00 GMT

Give me time, you said
Why did i listen?
Why didn’t i listen?
I wonder which i’ll be asking myself in a few months

You looked at me
your eyes, womanly with resolve
your body, not resisting the emotions
you had accepted
the art of living without holding on to the living
you had accepted its ultimate fate
no point lingering on what had already been decided
the look in your eye grieving silently
as you said goodbye

I hugged you so tightly
yet so delicately
the feeling filled my air
as your body came close to mine
I held on to you from the tip of my fingers
My heart’s fifth chamber
i wasn't ready to let you go

Give me time, you said
Why did i listen?
Why didn’t i listen?
I wonder which i’ll be asking myself in a few months

On the verge

Fri, 14 Apr 2023 00:00:00 GMT

On the verge of bad decisions

Just can’t seem to make it through

Something always seems to hold me back

A self-protecting

No a centrifuging force

Twirling me towards a center I can never reach

There it is again

That voice

That one,

always making a mockery

Of my futile efforts

To jump the heights I always believed I could reach

The voice of mockery

Or is it maturity

Holding me back

On the verge

of bad decisions

Ordinary life

Fri, 03 Feb 2023 00:00:00 GMT

I saw the look in her eyes
when i told her
i live an ordinary life
i do the same things everyday

she looked at me
with pity
as if she had perceived something lacking
something, that needed a fix

she started to make suggestions
instinctively

things i could be doing
places i could go
people i could meet

i felt her sense of unease
she was a little worried
that i told her
i live an ordinary life
i do the same things everyday

sensitive to her reaction
i got a little nervous

i look in her eyes

the gap was apparent
like the silence between words

what was i to say?

she saw the value in doing things and going places

how was i to communicate?
the experience of an ordinary life

how was i to make it compelling?
the depth of my ordinary life

i was shy
it all seemed too personal to casually share
the truth about my ordinary life
I didn’t want to be rude

So I deflected

What have you been up to? I ask
She told me about her life
She held back a little
Rambling more on the insignificant bits

Life was good
but not too good, she said

She paid close attention to the story she was telling
making sure it was accurate, but relatable
to ease the sense of pity she felt

when i told her
i live an ordinary life
i do the same things everyday

in the end
she ran through all she had said
in case it needed any more compensation

and for a split second
I saw reflected in her eyes
a separation between her
and the life she had just described

it seemed as though she thought to herself

was the plot of her life
really her life?

Disillusionment

Mon, 12 Dec 2022 00:00:00 GMT

Will the day come when you become disillusioned?

Like Saul, will the scales fall from your eyes?

I see wonders in your eyes when we are together.

I don't know what you see in me.

And I am afraid whatever it is will someday fade away.

What will be left?

Will you realize you have been living in an illusion all this time?

I do not want to get propped up by your words.

Will you realize that you never really saw me?

When you eventually see me, will you like what you see?

I know there are many parts of me.

There are parts riddled with insecurities.

There are parts that make up for those parts.

You look at me with those eyes

What do you really see?

How much do you really see?

I am afraid of becoming attached to you.

My attachment will only prevent me from seeing you as you are

It will make me project my hopes and dreams onto you

My attachment to you will be our demise

On the other hand, my fear of attachment is only making me a shell of myself

I am constantly holding back

I am constantly wondering if I'm too much for you

I am constantly wondering if I'm too little for you

Which way do I go?

Attachment, non-attachment.

All lead to losing you.

You said I like to be in control

But I can feel myself losing control, losing composure

I can feel myself getting drawn to you

I can feel my center of gravity not being able to withstand yours

I realize how this turns out is not in my hands

And that scares me

Because I really like you

And I never like anyone

Misunderstood

Sun, 11 Dec 2022 00:00:00 GMT

M: Are you depressed?

W: Why do you ask?

M: I don't know. You just sound depressed sometimes.

W: Don't we all?

M: Well, you more than the usual amount. Significantly more, might I add.

W: What does that word mean to you?

M: I don't really have a formal definition for it but I do know it when I see it. Of all the people I have met, you have the most depressing views about life.

W: Interesting. What is your view on life? Where is all this going for you?

M: Well, this is not about me but let's just say I am hopeful of what the future has to offer. I try to view things in a way that keeps me going, in a way that motivates me to do meaningful things in the world, to be helpful to the people around me. That's my guiding principle.

W: Are you helpful to the people around you?

M: Yes, I believe so. I try to be. In any little way I can.

W: Anyone can believe. Anyone can try. Are you actually helpful to anyone? Do you have the capacity to help anyone?

M: Are you saying that I don't?

W: It doesn't matter what I say. It's a question for you.

M: You know talking to you just breaks my wings sometimes. Why do you always have to make everything seem so small and insignificant?

...

I might not have changed anyone's life but I try to be as useful as I can be to people on a daily basis. What's wrong with that? The world is not made only from big changes. Small consistent changes add up. But I guess you wouldn't understand that with your mentality.

W: What mentality?

M: Your all-or-nothing mentality.

W: It's not my fault everything converges 0 or 1 in the end. Do you find this not to be true? Or is this an emotional thing?

M: It's not an emotional thing. And even if it was, it wouldn't be any less significant. You just don't get it.

W: What don't I get?

M: Little things add up.

W: Ok let me be clear, I don't have anything against the little things. I appreciate thoughtful gestures. I just don't think they add up to anything. And they don't have to. They can simply be what they are: little things. In fact, I don't think anything adds up to anything but that's another topic for another day. If you want to spend your life doing the little things, then do that and be satisfied it. If you want to do something transformative, then devote your life to that. But don't go claiming you are transforming lives with the little things. And might I add – I am not urging you to go transform lives either. You can live your life however you want. If reality permits it, you are free to do it.

M: That's my point. Everything doesn't have to be "transforming lives". There is room for the simple things. The little things that you look down on so much, they make up most of life.

W: You're right. Most of life is garbage.

M: This is what I mean. Why are you so negative?

W: I mean let's be honest. If you believe the little things matter, then it's ok if you spend your whole life doing the little things right? If you believe it takes more to make life not a complete waste of time and energy, then you will aspire towards a lot more than the "little things." Very reaffirming how this all works.
All action is based on belief. And belief is well, subjective.

M: I'm not here for one of your philosophical ted-talks.

W: I'm not trying to be philosophical. That's just what I think.

M: Most of life is about building connections with the people around you. Building community. This is what the little things symbolize. They spark connections. And for most of us, that is enough to make life worth living. It is not my job to TRANSFORM anyone's life.

W: Like I said, all very reaffirming.

M: I don't even know why I bother with you.

W: That's true. Why do you keep having these conversations? It always ends up with you being upset at me.

M: Well, you're a part of me so I guess I just can't leave you alone. That said, it is really frustrating talking to you. I can't even have a simple conversation without you turning it into to some heavy depressing shit.

W: I don't mean to come across that way. I just say things how I see them.

M: I think you enjoy being difficult for no reason though. I think you derive some sense of identity from it.

W: What do you mean?

M: Do you think it makes you deep? Questioning everything in sight. Dismantling and criticizing anything with signs of vitality. It's almost like you don't want anything to work. You strike me as someone who doesn't really have any guiding principle to life. And not because you couldn't find any but because you dismantle every principle you find. Now you just go around attacking other people's reason to live so that you're not alone in the nihilistic pit of despair that you willingly threw yourself into.

W: I didn't "willingly" throw myself into anything. There is no free will.

M: Of course. Typical.

W: Also, I am not in any nihilistic pit of despair. Taking reality and reducing it to a word like nihilism does not make it any less of what the word describes. Humans do this a lot. I think it's a defense mechanism. They think labeling something and giving it a negative connotation somehow gives them some control over it. But it's just a clever way to avoid facing the thing itself. So someone shows us an aspect of reality we don't want to see, we call them nihilistic instead of looking at what was said.

M: But why do you like to highlight that aspect of reality? Don't you see anything else?

W: Why do you avoid it? Why is bringing it up so triggering that it is considered a highlight?

M: I think you get a kicker out of demoralizing people. In making them as miserable as you are. You have this "If I'm not happy, then no one can be happy" vibe to you.

W: Is that what you think it is? Or are you just trying to avoid my question?

M: I'm not avoiding your question. I'll answer it when you answer mine.

W: And what's your question?

M: Why are you so fixated on the sad aspect of things?

W: I'm not fixated on the sad aspect of things. I'm focused on the core aspect of things. And if the core happens to be sad, then so be it. And I even hesitate to label IT "sad" because that's just another way to avoid looking at IT.

M: Don't you want to be happy? Why do you do this to yourself?

W: Happiness is not a goal of mine.

M: Do you wish to be sad then?

W: Sadness is not a goal of mine either.

M: Are you afraid of being happy?

W: What do you mean?

M: Like are you afraid to let yourself be happy? Do you think you'll lose your edge? Or is it some kind of response to a deep-seated trauma?

W: I'm not against happiness. Happiness is a transient state. So I don't really look at things from that perspective. I'm sure my past experiences have a lot of bearing on how I view things. But then, aren't we all shaped by our experiences? Why is being the way I am some kind of problem that needs to be fixed?

M: I'm just worried about you, that's all.

W: What are you worried about?

M: Aren't you afraid of being alone if you keep being this way?

W: Is that what this is really about?

M: I just don't want you to isolate yourself.

W: Are you happy?

M: I try to be.

W: You know, when you ask a pilot if they can fly a plane, the pilot doesn't say "I can try to fly"

M: Well I'm not a pilot. And life is not a plane.

...

M: Being around you sometimes, I must confess, I find it difficult to be happy. I'm not saying it's your fault. It's just some of the things you say. Life is hard enough as is, you know.

W: I see.

M: Be honest with me. Do you really think life is meaningless? That this is all pointless?

W: Socrates once said an unexamined life is not a life worth living. And if you examine this life, you will realize it has no particular meaning or end. Things just happen. You are simply a spectator watching things unfold. Yet we feel as if we are willing things into existence. We don't know where our thoughts come from. We don't know where our motivations comes from. Things just happen. We chase after meaning from one goal to the next, but in the end, everything proves to be a dead end. Nothing lasts. But I don't sulk on it any longer than I sulk on the fact that plain yogurt has a slightly sour taste. Perhaps, life is only worth living after having realized the meaninglessness of practically every pursuit in one's life. There is freedom in that. But it is not easy to live this way. Nor do I recommend to live this way.

M: How do you get up in the morning to do anything if you really feel this way?

W: I don't know. I don't control it.

M: But doesn't that mean you don't really feel that way?

W: It is a mistake to assume that one's views determines or should determine what one does.

M: Why is that?

W: We can't really help but do what we end up doing. It doesn't matter what we think we think. When it comes to action, thoughts and opinions are largely useless.

M: You know...ignorance is not really bliss when you know you are living in ignorance. And a part of you always knows.

W: Yep, sounds about right.

M: How about you? How do you feel around me?

W: I feel . . . misunderstood.

Closure

Sat, 10 Dec 2022 00:00:00 GMT

After everything, I couldn't bring myself to hate you.

I tried.

But in the end, I default back to longing to see you again.

I ask myself why, but I come up blank.

All I get is the sense that something is missing.

And That seeing you will finally reveal the missing piece.

But what is it?

What could it be?

What could I possibly want from you?

Afterall, you have shown me that nothing good can come from chasing after you.

Still I can't help but wonder.

It really hurts that you deny what we had.

You say it was nothing.

It was not.

That much, I know.

I guess I just wanted to look in your eyes and watch the words come out of your mouth

You can hide behind text messages

You cannot hide in real life

Am I angry at myself for falling for someone like you?

Am I upset that your words carry the same weight even when I know they are lies of denial?

Am I upset that you make me doubt my own intuitions?

How is it I came to give someone like you such power and access?

Have I been misled by my desires to find the one?

How did I miss all of this?

Did I take it too seriously?

What does that even mean?

"Too seriously"

Now you have me wondering if it was all an illusion in my head.

Was any of it ever real?

What is real anyway?

Why am I holding on to your words?

Why am I holding on to what I experienced?

I'm sure it happened to me because I experienced it

It shouldn't matter whether you experienced the same.

It shouldn't matter

But it does...

I hate that it does...

Is it a way to escape my present reality?

Trying to go back to my experiences of the past in order to fill up the void of the present.

I guess even yesterday's leftovers tastes good when you're starving.

Trying to run away from the emptiness I feel by holding on to the deep sense of connection I felt when we were together.

Perhaps, this is what I don't want you to take from me.

You left already.

Why did you have to take what we had along with you?

You really are the worst . . .

Life, so far.

Fri, 09 Dec 2022 00:00:00 GMT

What is life anyway?

Have I been given life?

Am I the life that was given?

What is my life anyway?

Does life have a purpose?

Does my life have a purpose?

What if life doesn’t have a purpose?

Where did the concept of purpose come from anyway?

There was a time I did not have such a concept.

I lived without wondering what it was adding up to.

I lived without knowing who I was,

What I was,

What I was going to be.

I had no concept of a future.

I did not even know I was “living”.

I simply lived.

As I grew older, I came to be.

I realized I had a name,

An identity,

Many identities.

None of which I really opted for.

You are a X.

X people don’t do that.

Why?

Because it’s a Y people thing.

You are the son of Mr X and Mrs X.

Act like it.

Why?

Stop asking why. Just act.

Actions led to perceptions.

And perceptions had consequences.

Rankings, position, reputation, status.

All had consequences.

I came to know about the concept of "making it"

And simultaneously,

The fear of not making it.

I didn’t know what “making it” meant exactly.

I just knew that my life depended on it.

I knew this because people around me looked at me based on my potential to "make it"

I did not know what becoming a "somebody" was

I just knew whatever I did, I couldn't end up as a "nobody"

Finding a place in this world became the number 1 priority

A world of categories

You had to define yourself

You had to prime yourself

For the world stage.

In the world of categories, Everything and Everyone needed to be labeled

Who are you?

Tell us about yourself…

I am a X. I come from Y. I work at Z. On the weekends, I like to do A, B and C. And occasionally, if I'm feeling up to it, I'll even throw in a D.

The labels became the goal.

As the years go by

The human starts to see himself in this way.

As an interpolation of labels and activities.

He starts to see himself as what he does

Where he works

Who he knows

What he knows

What he has access to

He starts to mould himself

To optimize for these things

To optimize for highly sought-after labels

He finds it hard to do or commit to anything or anyone that cannot be attached to a label.

He finds that he finds it …… unproductive.

He simply cannot leave his bottomline unattended to.

He doesn't want to play the piano

He wants to be known as a world-renowned pianist.

He doesn't want to write books.

He wants to add bestselling author to his collection of accomplishments

He doesn't want to build products.

He wants to be invited as a founder to give talks about why he's a success.

And so on.

Labels over … everything.

The years go by

And the human in the midst of all this

starts to suffocate…

He starts to see what this has done to his thinking

He starts to see what this has done to his relationships

How he fundamentally views other human beings

And how he fundamentally views himself

When I look back

I realize the life I have been trying to live.

A life of noble goals.

Noble goals that aren't mine.

Go to school.

I did.

Be the best.

At what?

It doesn’t matter. Just be the best. Whatever gets attention.

I have spent my life trying to live up to the target.

A never-ending always-moving target.

I have spent my entire life

Reaching

For a bubble.

Seeking to survive.

Seeking to gain relevance.

To what end?

To simply extend the inevitable?

Is all of life simply extending the inevitable?

It is said that death gives meaning to life

It is what makes life an opportunity so to speak

That might be true

Yet, all we do with life is orchestrate how to run away from death

To survive just to keep surviving?

If life is an opportunity,

isn't that the very definition of a waste?

Without making a connection between the ephemeral and the eternal,

Isn't that just spitting in God's face?

Another might reject the premise here.

One might say that death does not make life an opportunity

Life simply comes and goes.

Nothing more to it.

Whatever "more" is attributed to life is just a strategy to bear the weight and toil of living

Meaning is a coping mechanism

Survival is all there is . . .

Perhaps, that might be the truth of it.

Fair enough.

If survival is all there is,

the ultimate survival would be well . . . ultimately surviving.

Conquering the ultimate enemy of life, death.

The ultimate survival would be never having to die.

Or perhaps disidentifying with the entity that dies.

And merging with that which remains eternal.

All religion have hinted at this

Is such a thing possible?

Who knows?

But if all of life is a quest to transcend death

It is imperative to find out.

A failure to do this would be a failure at ultimate survival.

An ultimate failure . . .

Now the question remains

What exactly is IT that is ultimately trying to survive?

Is it soul?

A black-box word

Is it consciousness?

Another black-box word

Is it the concept of a ME?

Can self-concept escape death?

What is this IT that lives through the body?

This IT that unites us all

The basis of our connection

We have different bodies, different minds, patterns of thinking,

things we are good at, things we are not good at

we help each other

we deter each other

In the ever so complex world of intermingling and interconnection

Events causing effects causing events causing effects

What is this IT that lives through us all?

The IT trying to live beyond death, beyond time.

Trying to ultimately survive. . .

Do you feel it?

Whenever there is a beginning, there must be an end.

That which is beyond time, death cannot touch.

What is it within a human being that death cannot touch?

Dream Traveller

Fri, 09 Dec 2022 00:00:00 GMT

I woke up and it was gone.

What was gone?

I've lost it.

What did you lose?

It.

What is 'it'?

I don't know. But it was important.

What was important about it?

I don't know. But it felt important. I think it was a place.

A place you've been to?

A place I wanted to go. A place I want to go. I'm so scared I won't get there.

Why do you want to go there?

I don't know.

What will you do when you get there?

I don't know.

Have you tried going?

Yes I have. But whenever I get there, I always end up back here. I want to stay there. I don't want to come back here.

Why?

There is no one here but you and I. There is nothing to do here. Everyone else is there.

What will you do there with everyone?

I don't know. I will find out when I figure out how to stay there permanently.

What did you find the last time you went there?

There was a building. A building with many floors. Every floor was exactly the same as the one before it. There were no elevators. The only way up was through the stairs. I didn't really know which floor to go to so I figured I'd go up to the top floor.

Were you the only one there?

No, there were loads of people there.

Did you try to talk to them?

Most people were rushing up the stairs so they weren't up for conversation. There were more people in that building than any floor could fit. I think everyone intuitively understood that so they were all rushing up to the next available floor. A few people that were willing to talk to me said they had come here the same way I did and didn't know where they were supposed to go either. Nevertheless, we kept each other company as we went up the stairs. In a way, it started to bother me less that I didn't know why I was there.

I see.

However, this didn't last long. People kept passing out on the stairs. Bodies dropping like flies as they disappear into the ether. The numbers started to drop as I went up the stairs. A lot of people stopped at various floors to take a break but never got back on the stairs. That was quite frightening to everyone else. Every time someone would get off the stairs, we knew that person wasn't coming back. And even if they did, we would most likely never see them again. Getting off the stairs meant losing all the friends you had made thus far. Some people decided to get off the stairs together so that they could stay together.

Maybe that's what you were looking for in that building. To be in the company of others who had come to the building not knowing what they were looking for.

It's hard to tell. It's really hard to tell. I heard all kinds of stories and theories from the people I met in the building. Some people didn't really care about getting to the top floor because they enjoyed their friends' company so much. Only to end up fighting with the person they gave up the walk for. Some people wanted to keep going up the stairs but felt pressured by their group to stay behind. You could tell they didn't really want to stay behind but they didn't want to walk the stairs alone either. Some stayed with their friends while others let their friends go. Some resented others for feeling pressured to get off. I was a little taken aback by this. Everyone had come to see what was on the top floor. Yet, they had resorted to fighting over the allegiances they formed while on the stairs. I thought they had become friends with each other to make going up the stairs easier. Afterall, they had all come here to figure out why they were in the building in the first place, by going up to the top floor.
I must confess the assumption that we would figure it out at the top floor was somewhat arbitrary. It just seemed ... obvious you know? A lot of people I met denied this. Yet, they never stopped. However, the higher up I myself went up the stairs, the more I started to lose faith in that top floor. Everyone I made friends with had dropped off at various floors. I was alone. I started to feel like there was no point, you know? The people who were still on the stairs didn't talk to me either. I didn't take it personally though. There wasn't anything to say really. None of us knew why we were there. So I just stopped trying to find people to talk to and picked up the pace. Being by myself again, walking up the stairs, it reminded me of being here.

I see

Also, I couldn't really stop for long on any floor.

Why?

The moment I stop to take a break or look around, my heart would start pounding like I was going to have a panic attack or something. It felt like trying to stop your car on a highway.

So how were you able to talk to people?

I talked to them while we were on the stairs.

I see.

By the time I got to the 256th floor, I was completely worn out. Some people encouraged me to keep going but I didn't have it in me anymore. Then I broke down crying and passed out. Then I woke up here. How did I get here?

You've always been here.

What do you mean?

You got lost in another dream again. Now you're awake.

What do you mean? What dream?

Your dream. You found the building, remember? You made it up to the 256th floor this time. But you always abandon your dreams. You always wake up in your dreams before you realize them. Yet, you keep finding new dreams to fall into. And no matter how many dreams you find, you always end up back here.

Those were not dreams. They were real. I worked really hard to get to that building. And walk up all those floors. I still feel the exhaustion from all the toiling. I still remember everything.

Why?

Why what?

Why did you go to that building?

I don't remember. But i know it's important. Why can't I remember?

Because it was a dream.

Have we met before?

Multiple times.

And who are you?

I am the space between you and the next dream. You can choose to stay with me or go on to the next dream. But I must warn you about the next dream. You will leave it. Just like all the previous dreams. When you do, we will meet again.

What happens if I stay here?

You will never lose yourself in a dream again.

Can you help me?

Help you with what?

Help me go back.

There is no back.

I want to go back to my dreams. My life is waiting for me there.

What is your life exactly?

Everything. The memories. The things I've achieved so far. The challenges. The tears. The struggles. Everything I've overcome to get to where I am.

And where is that?

What do you mean?

Where are you?

I don't understand . . .

Everything you have achieved thus far, where has it led you?

Here, I guess.

. . .

What is this place anyway?

It doesn't matter what it is. What matters is that you are here.

So where do I go from here?

Nowhere. It doesn't matter where you go.

Why does it not matter?

Because you'll come back.

For The Culture ($FTC)

Sun, 04 Dec 2022 00:00:00 GMT

The design of a human life

live for the culture

get a respectable job

quit

start a new job

as a business owner

check off the made_it bucket list

get your finances right

add your voice to the public discourse

wear the ideological wigs of the time

pick the heroes, pick the villains, pick sides

apply to a few causes, a few communities

hope they accept you

hope they don't turn on you

find a suitor

prep your resume

cracking the dating interview

apply for auditions

hope someone decides to move forward with your application

get married

have kids

push your ideas on your kids

hope they live it out like you did

hope they find god like you did

the god of assurance

coconuts and a banana for guaranteed success

those kids, your little projects

hope they make more $$$ than you did

so they can have a "better" life than you did

see to it that they fulfill your ambitions

the same way you did for your parents

then go to your grave

where you finally rest

knowing you did your part

in prepping the next generation

for a life

of the culture

by the culture

for the culture

Moments

Fri, 02 Dec 2022 00:00:00 GMT

You can’t be with anyone

At least not in the way anyone would want to be with you

You only exist in moments

Moments that don’t live through time

Moments that don’t trickle into the future

They simply die as they conclude

There is no future with you

There is only present

There is no definition with you

Every definition misses everything else...

You are like the extra day in a leap year

There is no having a place in your life

There is no building a life with you

There is only experiencing you

in the moments you exist

To love you,

it will take losing all hope and expectation

for anything other than what comes in the moments spent with you

a great danger

a great adventure

Sanity and norm must be put to the side

Survival instinct must be put to the side

There is no assurance i will make it out alive

yet i see that i cannot go back

Loving you is no matter of choice

I reckon it is something akin to fate

For it is not the kind of love you get something from

It is the kind that takes everything from you

The kind you dissolve into...

The kind that puts to overwhelming shame

everything you have called love thus far.

I used to date girls

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 00:00:00 GMT

I used to date girls

Then I met you...

You were more than just a girl

Dating you didn’t even make sense to me

The emotions I experienced

Reminded me of when I discovered Frank

The tenderness

The complexities

The paralyzing urge

The endless depth of the Ocean

The understanding beyond words...

Before I knew,

the feelings had infiltrated every cell in my body

I couldn’t fight it

It was a pointless battle

Now you are gone

Am I going to have to go back to dating girls?

I feel like a man who realizes he never really loved his wife after experiencing something infinitely deeper with another man.

Now he has to go back home to his wife the next morning.

What can I say...

I tripped on you and fell in love with the world i experienced

Now reality feels like second-hand apparel

Do I just live here for now?

Wed, 30 Nov 2022 00:00:00 GMT

Everytime I fall apart, I'm put back together in pieces tinier than before.

Grainier than before.

Discombulated than before.

Expansive than before.

Nothing happens for a long time.

So long that you think you might have grown incapable of feeling anything real.

Then you cross paths and everything comes crashing all at once.

Too much to bear.

Too much to resist.

So much that you just give up.

And let it all wash over you.

Until it all comes crashing down again

Only to fall apart in even tinier pieces.

Wondering if you're ever going to feel anything ever again.

And you keep going and going.

Deeper and Deeper.

And the deeper you go, the less meaning there is.

The less structure there is.

The less direction there is.

But you don't have a choice.

For you can no longer live on the surface.

You want to turn back.

But when you look back, you see nothing.

Everything behind you has disappeared.

There is only one direction.

Deeper and Deeper.

You start to relate less and less to the surface.

You're not able to form coherent sentences anymore.

You have very little to say.

Definitions don't stick anymore.

You start to forget everything.

Even your own name.

The memories start to get blurry.

So blurry that you forget where you are.

Then a few seconds later you remember you're in an apartment.

Your apartment.

The ceiling starts to look like a ceiling.

The table. The couch. The TV.

Yet, you feel a strange sense of unbelonging to everything.

Are these really mine?

Do I own this tv?

Do I own this couch?

Do I own this place?

Or do I just live here for now?

A life of pain

Sat, 29 Oct 2022 00:00:00 GMT

a life of pain

too sane for your own good

a life of pain

too civil to follow your own rules

a life of pain

wake up to reality when you'd rather hit the snooze

a life of pain

say my pain isn't real enough cause i ain't have it as bad as you

a life of pain

think i ain’t seen enough cause i don’t see it the same as you

a life of pain

claim i don't deserve it cause i didn’t have to work as hard as you

a life of pain

feeling entitled to all the things you think i have to prove

a life of pain

filled with resentment for all the things you've had to lose

a life of pain...

stuck any which way, we choose?

a life of pain...

tell me,

in the pictures you paint,

do i fit the frame?

in this life of sinner and saint,

why do we all end up the same?

we run in opposite directions

how do we keep getting in each other's way?

you say i'll never relate

yet your eyes feel more familiar than my own

when i look in it, i recognize

a life of pain

stuck in the dark infinite void,

hung up on who to blame

swirling in muddy water

the perils of a directionless place

would you be mad at me if i told you there was no one to blame?

for all the culprits you found, did it take the pain away?

what if i told you there was a way

...to leave it all behind without a single trace?

would you be willing...

to do what it takes?

would you be ready...

to drop all the games?

forgive me,

i never meant to make you relive it

i just wanted you to be free of it

forgive me...

i used to wish you’d let me in

now i just wish you’d let yourself out

the truth is...

in this life of pain

i have realized...

there is nothing i can offer you

as desperately as i wanted to

i have realized...

there are no saviors

there are no victims

there is only pain

...and freedom from it

The space between us

Sun, 23 Oct 2022 00:00:00 GMT

I have something to ask you.

Sure, go ahead.

Do you like me?

What do you mean?

You know what it means.

Why do you ask?

I just noticed a few things and wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

What page are you on?

Well, I'm taking a break from dating right now but even if I wasn't, I'm not really interested in you. Don't get me wrong, I think you're cool. Just not interested in or attracted to you.

Ok.

Great, just wanted to clarify! I'm glad you're not upset at all. Or are you?

If what you have said is sincerely how you feel, then there's no reason to be upset. You didn't choose to feel that way.

What do you mean?

People don't really choose who they like. They just find themselves developing feelings for someone. It's not your fault that you happen not to like me neither is it to your credit if you happen to like me. Therefore, there is nothing to be upset about.

I don't buy that. You're seriously telling me it doesn't upset you if you like someone and you find out they don't like you?

Well, to be clear, I'm saying there's no one to be upset at. I might be upset at the news but that's really just a reactive type of upsetness. The same way you reactively flinch if you get poked. But psychologically, there is nothing to be upset about.

Sure but isn't this how it usually is? People get upset by the news, not at the person.

(silence)

So there is something to be upset about afterall. Saying it doesn't upset you because people don't choose their feelings just sounds like a way to avoid dealing with yours.

Well, I'm not saying it doesn't upset me. I'm just saying psychologically it doesn't stick to me. If someone doesn't like me, then they simply don't. There's nothing I can do about it.

There's definitely things you can do about it.

If I have to 'do' something to make someone like me, it is not 'me' they like.

Fair point. But I still don't believe you. You say it doesn't stick to you. Is that really true? Or do you just wish it didn't?

What do you mean?

Somewhere deep down, underneath all of that rationalization, doesn’t it hurt?

I mean, it does... but that's not the point.

Then why not just admit that? After all, by your logic, you didn't 'choose' those feelings either.

Stop making that face when you air-quote choose…
I mean, you're right. I don't disagree with that. It is a bummer when someone you genuinely like doesn't feel the same way. I just refuse to hold on to that feeling as if I've earned a right to be upset because something bad has happened to poor old little me.

Not holding on to a feeling is very different from trying to rationalize it away.

Yes, in that, we are in agreement.

So which is it?

Which is what?

Do you like me?

It doesn't really matter.

I don't care if it matters or not.

Well, if you are not interested in or attracted to me as you have said, why do you care if I like you or not?

Well, it's not that I care. I just want to make sure I'm not leading you on.

Don't worry, you're not.

Ok. But I still want to know though.

Why?

Just curious.

"Just curious" is euphemism for "I don’t want to go into the real reason" but I’ll indulge.
If I said "Yes, I infact like you". Then what?

Well, then nothing.

And If I said, "No, I don't like you." Then what?

Then nothing.

Then why do you ask?

Because I want to know. Is that not enough reason?

Sigh…

So do you?

I do. But you already know that.

Interesting.

(silence)

What if I said I liked you too?

(silence)

Would that change anything?

I wouldn't want it to.

Why not?

We are simply the way we are. I wouldn't want to change that.

But there would be things we couldn't do before.

Like what?

Don't play coy.

Those are just details. The fundamental nature of the relationship wouldn’t change. If anything, it will only get distorted.

What do you mean?

Making declarations and putting on labels only introduces a middleman.

How so?

Whenever declarations are made, there is an expectation that something will change. He finally said it. She finally admitted. But in truth, nothing changes. The big declaration event ends. You are left with yourself the next day. I am left with myself the next day. Exactly as we are.

But we'll left with ourselves the next day, together. I’ll be yours. And you’ll be mine. Well, not you. Metaphorical ‘you’ and ‘I’.

But that’s the thing. There is no ‘together’. There is you and there is me. And ironically, only when you understand this can you truly be with someone else without trying to make them yours.

That makes no sense.

Ok let me ask you this. What do you gain from learning how I feel about you?

Why would I not want to know how you feel about me?

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't want to know. I'm simply asking, what do you gain from hearing me say the words "I have feelings for you"?

I don't know what to say to that. I can't say that I gain anything specifically. It gives me comfort knowing how you feel about me. It makes me happy. It helps me set boundaries.

And how long does that comfort last? The moment I do something unexpected, the comfort starts to drop. Does he still feel the same way about me? Do I still feel the same way about him? Uncertainty starts to creep in. Back to square one.

So are you saying people shouldn't confess their feelings to each other?

I'm not saying that. People can do whatever they want. I'm talking about you and me.

It's "you and I"

(silence)

It's a joke! You're supposed to laugh...
Anyways, I sort of see what you're getting at. But I don't think it's practical. In reality, I still need to know so I can set boundaries appropriately. There's a reason labels exist in the first place.

Let practicality take care of itself. Is everything you need to know not already embedded in our interactions? Why the extra step to attach a label to it?

Because I don't want to go making assumptions when you haven't explicitly said anything.

You're missing the point.

What is the point?

You want to rely on labels so that you can close your eyes and set expectations blindly based on some false idea of what you think a relationship should be. And what a partner should be. And how they should make you feel. And what other people are doing for their partners.

So what are you saying then? What else are we supposed to do?

There is nothing to do. I’m just saying open your eyes. So that you can see me. I'm saying set your expectations and your boundaries based on what you see. Day in, day out. Or don’t set expectations at all and simply let things unfold.

That’s too dangerous. And too much work.

It's the only thing that works.

But what do you want though? Out of this?

I don’t know.
.
I don’t really have an angle or goal.
.
I just know how I feel about you.
.
That's all.

Mental image

Sat, 02 Jul 2022 00:00:00 GMT

She was in the room reading a book. Heads down, blank stare, ever so subtle with her apathetic expressions. I walk in. It was my third time stepping into the room pretending not to notice her because it sure looked like she didn't notice me. A few minutes in, I receive a phone call from Bobby. Bobby was a loose talker. Whenever he started talking, it was almost as if he was in his own world. No amount of subtle cue or outright interruption could stop him until he was done talking.

I pick up the phone. All of a sudden, I hear his voice blasting through the sound system in the room. Apparently, I had connected my phone to the speakers before receiving the phone call. An unpleasant surprise, he was on speaker. Anyhow, I proceeded with the conversation hoping he doesn't say anything too incriminating. Before I could get a word in, he goes, "Hey, how are you? I was just calling to see how you were doing. Have you finally spoken to Aggie?"

Great. Just great. Perfect timing Bobby. Once he said this, I knew it was too late to take him off speaker. It would seem a bit shady now that she had heard her name. So I decided to play along. I replied, "What do you mean have I spoken to Aggie?" hoping he would realize from the inflection on the tone of my voice that now was not a good time to discuss Aggie. He replied, "Have you finally gathered the courage to confess to her? I hope you guys have sorted out your issues." I look in her direction. She did not move a muscle. The blank expression on her face did not change.

I had occasionally talked about her and shared some of my frustrations with Bobby but I never told him I had anything to confess to her. However, that didn't matter at this point. Arguing with Bobby was not going to reverse the impression that had just been created. So I replied, "There's nothing to say to her. She's doing her own thing. I'm doing my own thing. We get along just fine. There's really no issue to sort out." Without taking her eyes off the book she was reading, she replies nonchalantly, "We don't get along." The expression on her face had slightly changed. It showed a bit of surpise at the fact that I thought we were getting along fine. It also looked like she had felt this way for quite a while and wasn't really bothered about it. She was simply letting me know now out of courtesy.

I felt the clouds change. The rumors were true. She really did feel that way. It wasn't just in my head. I asked why she felt this way and that led to an argument. After going back and forth, she said, "It’s obvious you just want to be around me. Just look at how you have been pacing in and out of the room hoping I'll notice. Going back and forth with no real purpose." She hit a critical point with those words. A touchdown, you might say. So I flared up and replied, "You are so conceited. You actually think everything I do revolves around you." To which she replied "whatever" and started walking away.

In a dramatic fashion, I grabbed a cup of water and splashed it in her face.

The universe paused for a few seconds in shock of what I had done.

1.

2..

3...

(resume)

I was in shock, and so was she. However, instead of the situation escalating, the opposite happened. We both started laughing. I didn't know what was funny exactly but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. And neither could she. Perhaps, it was amusing to see that I could do something so irrational. Nevertheless, it was one of the few times I had seen her genuinely laugh so I savored the moment. I apologized as she went to the bathroom to clean up. I went back to the room.

A few moments later, I glanced up from my phone and suddenly saw her step out of the bathroom, naked. I almost could not believe my eyes. I instinctively looked down, back at my phone. Then I looked up again just to confirm that I really saw what I saw. And then immediately looked back down. She just walked into the room like everything was normal and got dressed.

Then she said, "I am going to do whatever it takes to delete that image you have of me."

I was confused…

Image?

Of her?

Does she think I took a photo of her while she was dressing up?

I felt very irritated by that insinuation. So I mustered all the righteous indignation I could and gave her my phone to take a look. Low and behold, a naked photo did not pop up in my gallery. Instead, what popped up was a silhouette photo of her. It was a strange symbolic-looking photo. Even though I looked away almost immediately when I saw her come out of the bathroom naked, I still looked at her long enough to realize that she was naked. The silhouette photo symbolically mirrored that. Nevertheless, I was still confused as to how that photo got on my phone in the first place since I did not take any photos. She played around with that photo quite a bit, zooming in, zooming out. Then she kept scrolling. She found other photos of her, none of which I remember taking. In fact, she found nothing but photos of her. However, she didn’t say anything. She didn't delete anything either. She just kept scrolling. So I also didn't say anything. As she scrolled, I felt a tingling sensation almost as if she wasn't just scrolling through photos, but scrolling through my memories. When she was done, she looked straight at me and gave the phone back.

Then I woke up.

I was dreaming...

What did she mean by images?

What images had I taken of her?

A complete man

Sat, 25 Jun 2022 00:00:00 GMT

Hi Mom

Hello my boy. How are things with you?

Things are good. How are you?

Good good. How are your friends? Your male friends and your female friends.

They are all good. How are you doing?

I'm doing well, all thanks to God. Are you seeing anyone right now? How are things in that arena?

No I'm not seeing anyone right now mom.

Are you not interested in any of your female friends or what's the issue?

There is no issue. I'm just not interested in a relationship.

You are not interested for now or?

I'm not interested at the moment.

Can I ask you a question? Pardon me for asking. You know I'm your mom so you can open up to me.

Yes mom, I know you're my mom. Ask your question.

I hope you are not having any problem as a complete man? Are there any problems in that arena?

What do you mean by "complete man"?

Do you not know what it means to be complete as a man?

Complete can mean many things, mom. What do you mean by complete?

You know what I mean.

Are you asking if I'm having problems with sex?

Yes. I know you've had a girlfriend in the past but I just wanted to confirm you're not having any problem in that area.

No mom. I just said I'm not interested in a relationship. It doesn't mean I can't have sex.

No, I know it doesn't mean that. I just wanted to confirm that is not a problem. I know you have your personal reasons for not wanting a relationship and you don't have to tell me those reasons. Afterall, you are an adult. I understand. I just wanted to confirm.

Alright.

I am curious. Why do you not want a relationship? Do you not find women attractive anymore? Or you just haven't found anyone you like?

I have found people I like. I just don't want to be in a relationship right now.

Ok I'm just asking so I can know where to direct my prayers. As long as you are meeting people, I am ok with that. Hopefully, you will find someone soon.

Why does it matter if I'm with someone or not?

Don't say such things. You will find someone by God's grace.

Will I become a complete man in your eyes then?

Levitation

Mon, 06 Jun 2022 00:00:00 GMT

I only just met you.

Why am I feeling things I haven’t felt in years?

Your words, your mannerisms, your stare, they all came shattering my defenses.

I couldn’t hide.

I didn’t want to hide.

I wanted to open up to you and embrace you so tight.

I was scared of how vulnerable I was around you.

But it was the good kind of scared.

The “something big is about to happen” scared.

I was floating in the sky yet felt so heavy because of all the emotions piercing through me.

A lifetime of emotions experienced in a single encounter.

I only just met you.

Can I really give you all the credit?

Can I really hold on to how you made me feel?

Can I hold on to who you were in that moment?

You saw through me in ways I had forgotten was possible.

In that moment, I was free of myself.

Someone had finally seen me.

Or more precisely, someone had finally seen through the shell I presented myself to be.

That was all it took.

The moment is gone now.

All that remains now is the unforgettable knowing that such a moment exists.

All that remains is the realization that I can never go back.

I tried to make something out of it.

I couldn't.

I couldn't hold on to the "you" I fell in love with.

What does it even mean to fall in love anyway?

Did I fall in love with you?

Did I experience love through you?

Perhaps,

To love

is to really say

I accept

All that you are

All that you wish you weren't

And really mean those words

With every cell in one's body.

And witnessing even a fraction of this divine acceptance

For even a fraction of a moment

Made me levitate

In the blissful clouds

of self-acceptance.

...

Descent

Sat, 04 Jun 2022 00:00:00 GMT

I only just met you.

You had those dead starry eyes.

Eyes that had endured pain in isolation.

I saw the depth of the universe in them.

Eyes that had seen the ugly underbelly of life.

Yet it glowed with the intensity of the sun.

Not because you wanted it to.

It simply had a life of its own.

It simply had a radiance of its own.

I saw the weight of your past in those eyes.

I saw the lifetime of disappointments you never really recovered from.

You had seen it all and couldn't be bothered.

You had seen enough.

You had gotten used to seeing through people that you stopped looking at all.

I guess your heart had been mishandled one too many times.

Your body never forgot how it felt.

You said to me, "Don't hug me like that."

"Like what?", I said.

You never replied.

You didn't need to.

I knew exactly what "that" meant.

"That" meant to keep a distance because it was the only way you knew how to protect yourself.

After all, you only just met me.

Such rationalizations you had.

As if time had ever been a barrier for someone as beautiful and intense as you.

You shroud yourself in an aura of invisibility.

Yet your instinct reactions give away your fears.

Fears of attachment.

Losing control.

Being too human.

You stay hidden behind those eyes.

With your rules of engagement.

Never go too far.

Never dig too deep.

Never get too involved.

And never, ever, show an ounce of need.

You had decided

It wasn’t worth the risk.

You had given up all motivation

To come to the surface…

The girl of my dreams

Forever drowning

In the depths behind those eyes

While claiming to be above it all.

In Love and Death

Tue, 16 Nov 2021 00:00:00 GMT

I want to give you my heart

but I’m scared you won’t know what to do with it

I walk around with 100 armors on

Hoping you’ll notice

It’s been so long

I sometimes forget I still have them on

They get heavy sometimes

I feel it when we cuddle in bed

I feel my body resisting to give in

I feel it with the half-hearted hugs I give you

Hoping you’ll notice I’m holding back

Hoping you'll pull me in closer and embrace my brokenness

Hoping you’ll give me a reason to finally take my armors off

I have become a man full of hopes

Looking for a reason to love wholeheartedly again

Yet resisting every reason I find

Searching Everywhere but in Myself

Will I find a reason I cannot resist?

Or is this yet another layer of protection?

After all if I never find a reason, I never have to truly love again

Is that what I really want?

To never love again?

Certainly not.

A love-hate relationship with love

Everything I know about myself came from being in love

In love, I was insured against the chaos of life

It felt like merging with life itself

Life could no longer hurt me because I had become a part of it

No matter the circumstance, things were going to be ok

Love was not the answer to everything

But it was the answer to not having the answers to everything

And every time I was yanked out of love,

I was dropped in hell.

In hell, nothing made sense.

Everything I knew

About me

About everyone

About everything

About everything that mattered

Was wrong.

This fact,

was the only thing I knew to be true.

I felt disconnected

Exposed to the chaos of life

In need of protection

Against life

Against love

Everyday I grew weaker in strength and courage

Unable to face the very thing that had the potential to save me

Yet I said to myself, "I am stronger now"

A dead man claiming to be strong because he cannot feel anything

Trying to escape death by sleeping in a casket

How long will I suffocate under the weight of this layered armor I call protection?

Am I willing to love again?

Love promises life

Life promises death

Am I willing to die again?

How did I get here?