I want to give you my heart

but I’m scared you won’t know what to do with it

I walk around with 100 armors on

Hoping you’ll notice

It’s been so long

I sometimes forget I still have them on

They get heavy sometimes

I feel it when we cuddle in bed

I feel my body resisting to give in

I feel it with the half-hearted hugs I give you

Hoping you’ll notice I’m holding back

Hoping you'll pull me in closer and embrace my brokenness

Hoping you’ll give me a reason to finally take my armors off

I have become a man full of hopes

Looking for a reason to love wholeheartedly again

Yet resisting every reason I find

Searching Everywhere but in Myself

Will I find a reason I cannot resist?

Or is this yet another layer of protection?

After all if I never find a reason, I never have to truly love again

Is that what I really want?

To never love again?

Certainly not.

A love-hate relationship with love

Everything I know about myself came from being in love

In love, I was insured against the chaos of life

It felt like merging with life itself

Life could no longer hurt me because I had become a part of it

No matter the circumstance, things were going to be ok

Love was not the answer to everything

But it was the answer to not having the answers to everything

And every time I was yanked out of love,

I was dropped in hell.

In hell, nothing made sense.

Everything I knew

About me

About everyone

About everything

About everything that mattered

Was wrong.

This fact,

was the only thing I knew to be true.

I felt disconnected

Exposed to the chaos of life

In need of protection

Against life

Against love

Everyday I grew weaker in strength and courage

Unable to face the very thing that had the potential to save me

Yet I said to myself, "I am stronger now"

A dead man claiming to be strong because he cannot feel anything

Trying to escape death by sleeping in a casket

How long will I suffocate under the weight of this layered armor I call protection?

Am I willing to love again?

Love promises life

Life promises death

Am I willing to die again?



How did I get here?