Misunderstood

M: Are you depressed?

W: Why do you ask?

M: I don't know. You just sound depressed sometimes.

W: Don't we all?

M: Well, you more than the usual amount. Significantly more, might I add.

W: What does that word mean to you?

M: I don't really have a formal definition for it but I do know it when I see it. Of all the people I have met, you have the most depressing views about life.

W: Interesting. What is your view on life? Where is all this going for you?

M: Well, this is not about me but let's just say I am hopeful of what the future has to offer. I try to view things in a way that keeps me going, in a way that motivates me to do meaningful things in the world, to be helpful to the people around me. That's my guiding principle.

W: Are you helpful to the people around you?

M: Yes, I believe so. I try to be. In any little way I can.

W: Anyone can believe. Anyone can try. Are you actually helpful to anyone? Do you have the capacity to help anyone?

M: Are you saying that I don't?

W: It doesn't matter what I say. It's a question for you.

M: You know talking to you just breaks my wings sometimes. Why do you always have to make everything seem so small and insignificant?

...

I might not have changed anyone's life but I try to be as useful as I can be to people on a daily basis. What's wrong with that? The world is not made only from big changes. Small consistent changes add up. But I guess you wouldn't understand that with your mentality.

W: What mentality?

M: Your all-or-nothing mentality.

W: It's not my fault everything converges 0 or 1 in the end. Do you find this not to be true? Or is this an emotional thing?

M: It's not an emotional thing. And even if it was, it wouldn't be any less significant. You just don't get it.

W: What don't I get?

M: Little things add up.

W: Ok let me be clear, I don't have anything against the little things. I appreciate thoughtful gestures. I just don't think they add up to anything. And they don't have to. They can simply be what they are: little things. In fact, I don't think anything adds up to anything but that's another topic for another day. If you want to spend your life doing the little things, then do that and be satisfied it. If you want to do something transformative, then devote your life to that. But don't go claiming you are transforming lives with the little things. And might I add – I am not urging you to go transform lives either. You can live your life however you want. If reality permits it, you are free to do it.

M: That's my point. Everything doesn't have to be "transforming lives". There is room for the simple things. The little things that you look down on so much, they make up most of life.

W: You're right. Most of life is garbage.

M: This is what I mean. Why are you so negative?

W: I mean let's be honest. If you believe the little things matter, then it's ok if you spend your whole life doing the little things right? If you believe it takes more to make life not a complete waste of time and energy, then you will aspire towards a lot more than the "little things." Very reaffirming how this all works.
All action is based on belief. And belief is well, subjective.

M: I'm not here for one of your philosophical ted-talks.

W: I'm not trying to be philosophical. That's just what I think.

M: Most of life is about building connections with the people around you. Building community. This is what the little things symbolize. They spark connections. And for most of us, that is enough to make life worth living. It is not my job to TRANSFORM anyone's life.

W: Like I said, all very reaffirming.

M: I don't even know why I bother with you.

W: That's true. Why do you keep having these conversations? It always ends up with you being upset at me.

M: Well, you're a part of me so I guess I just can't leave you alone. That said, it is really frustrating talking to you. I can't even have a simple conversation without you turning it into to some heavy depressing shit.

W: I don't mean to come across that way. I just say things how I see them.

M: I think you enjoy being difficult for no reason though. I think you derive some sense of identity from it.

W: What do you mean?

M: Do you think it makes you deep? Questioning everything in sight. Dismantling and criticizing anything with signs of vitality. It's almost like you don't want anything to work. You strike me as someone who doesn't really have any guiding principle to life. And not because you couldn't find any but because you dismantle every principle you find. Now you just go around attacking other people's reason to live so that you're not alone in the nihilistic pit of despair that you willingly threw yourself into.

W: I didn't "willingly" throw myself into anything. There is no free will.

M: Of course. Typical.

W: Also, I am not in any nihilistic pit of despair. Taking reality and reducing it to a word like nihilism does not make it any less of what the word describes. Humans do this a lot. I think it's a defense mechanism. They think labeling something and giving it a negative connotation somehow gives them some control over it. But it's just a clever way to avoid facing the thing itself. So someone shows us an aspect of reality we don't want to see, we call them nihilistic instead of looking at what was said.

M: But why do you like to highlight that aspect of reality? Don't you see anything else?

W: Why do you avoid it? Why is bringing it up so triggering that it is considered a highlight?

M: I think you get a kicker out of demoralizing people. In making them as miserable as you are. You have this "If I'm not happy, then no one can be happy" vibe to you.

W: Is that what you think it is? Or are you just trying to avoid my question?

M: I'm not avoiding your question. I'll answer it when you answer mine.

W: And what's your question?

M: Why are you so fixated on the sad aspect of things?

W: I'm not fixated on the sad aspect of things. I'm focused on the core aspect of things. And if the core happens to be sad, then so be it. And I even hesitate to label IT "sad" because that's just another way to avoid looking at IT.

M: Don't you want to be happy? Why do you do this to yourself?

W: Happiness is not a goal of mine.

M: Do you wish to be sad then?

W: Sadness is not a goal of mine either.

M: Are you afraid of being happy?

W: What do you mean?

M: Like are you afraid to let yourself be happy? Do you think you'll lose your edge? Or is it some kind of response to a deep-seated trauma?

W: I'm not against happiness. Happiness is a transient state. So I don't really look at things from that perspective. I'm sure my past experiences have a lot of bearing on how I view things. But then, aren't we all shaped by our experiences? Why is being the way I am some kind of problem that needs to be fixed?

M: I'm just worried about you, that's all.

W: What are you worried about?

M: Aren't you afraid of being alone if you keep being this way?

W: Is that what this is really about?

M: I just don't want you to isolate yourself.

W: Are you happy?

M: I try to be.

W: You know, when you ask a pilot if they can fly a plane, the pilot doesn't say "I can try to fly"

M: Well I'm not a pilot. And life is not a plane.

...

M: Being around you sometimes, I must confess, I find it difficult to be happy. I'm not saying it's your fault. It's just some of the things you say. Life is hard enough as is, you know.

W: I see.

M: Be honest with me. Do you really think life is meaningless? That this is all pointless?

W: Socrates once said an unexamined life is not a life worth living. And if you examine this life, you will realize it has no particular meaning or end. Things just happen. You are simply a spectator watching things unfold. Yet we feel as if we are willing things into existence. We don't know where our thoughts come from. We don't know where our motivations comes from. Things just happen. We chase after meaning from one goal to the next, but in the end, everything proves to be a dead end. Nothing lasts. But I don't sulk on it any longer than I sulk on the fact that plain yogurt has a slightly sour taste. Perhaps, life is only worth living after having realized the meaninglessness of practically every pursuit in one's life. There is freedom in that. But it is not easy to live this way. Nor do I recommend to live this way.

M: How do you get up in the morning to do anything if you really feel this way?

W: I don't know. I don't control it.

M: But doesn't that mean you don't really feel that way?

W: It is a mistake to assume that one's views determines or should determine what one does.

M: Why is that?

W: We can't really help but do what we end up doing. It doesn't matter what we think we think. When it comes to action, thoughts and opinions are largely useless.

M: You know...ignorance is not really bliss when you know you are living in ignorance. And a part of you always knows.

W: Yep, sounds about right.

M: How about you? How do you feel around me?

W: I feel . . . misunderstood.